Pregnant Apples

For as long as I can remember, I have despised warm fruit.  I am American, but I don't eat apple pie, peach cobbler, blueberry cobbler, cherry pie, or any other variation of fruit-baked dessert.  It doesn't matter if it is smothered in vanilla ice cream or pudding; I have made a conscious effort to not ingest any food that is simultaneously warm, gooey, and sweet.  To even think about these foods grosses me out. (ick!)  Then one day, I got pregnant and my hormones went psycho.  I knew that many women suddenly crave things they have never wanted before.  I was Not one of these women.  In fact, instead of craving things, for the most part, I had ... let's just say the opposite of cravings.  Food in general became my enemy and I was quite sick and sad and grey and mopey for 9 dark months.  Seriously.  Once Silas was born, many things changed.
One great change was the absence of nausea in my life.  When you aren't sick, you can see things much more clear. (clearer? clearly?) Another change was my attitude.  Even my husband  told me that it must have been the pregnancy making me cranky because even two days after Silas was born, I was a completely new person.
Fast forward a month or two and a sweet friend invites me over for coffee and a play date with her and her five month old.  I was really looking forward to this girl time :-) When I arrived, she told me she didn't know what snack to make that would be gluten free. (I have celiac disease- which complicates things -like eating). So she baked up some cinnamon apples.  I didn't tell her of my picky aversion to warm fruit, of course. That would have been terribly rude! (instead I'm blogging about it knowing full well that there is a definite possibility that she'll read it). So instead of saying eww gross, I spooned a bit onto my plate and thanked her for thinking of my silly, inconvenient dietary needs.  My standards for flavor were low as I prepared to take my first slimey bite.  Yet, when I did, I didn't cringe, as I had anticipated.  Actually, I enjoyed it.  I savored it. I even went for seconds! (take That post-pregnancy hormones!)

A few weeks ago, I was revisited with a craving for these baked cinnamon apples. So I bought a bag of golden delicious, I grabbed a trusty bag of brown sugar, and a sprinkler full of cinnamon and I got started. As soon as I sliced the first apple in half, I stopped.
I had never noticed before. Obviously the seeds are located in the center of the apple. But as I stared at the seeds, I saw them in a different light. The seeds, which are drop shaped, sit in the middle of a semi-circular area. It reminded me of none other than...a womb. It was a pregnant apple! How silly, how girly. But it's not just that. It's not just that I saw motherhood in an apple.
I saw my creator! I saw that even in the smallest thing, the seed of an apple, He was there. Of course the same all knowing creator who designed the phenomenal intricacies of the human body also designed the incredibly simple form of the core of the apple. Just like a precious womb is the perfect environment to protect and cultivate a baby human to gestational maturation, the core of an apple is the perfect home to protect the seed of the next apple tree as well! So as I continued to slice up the apples (into wedges, then smaller "cubes"- sprinkle brown sugar and cinnamon and bake at 350F for15-20min), I smiled and thanked Him for showing me Himself, here in my kitchen. :-)

I Am the woman at the well -.John 4

Jesus knows every part of our history, even the dark, scary, embarrassing, shameful parts. He knows the truths we try to cover up. He knows the deep rooted hurts we feel and how and why we dug ourselves deeper, breaking our own hearts more and more. He knows because He knows our broken hearts. But He loves us in spite of our hurt and our damage. His love for us is all encompassing. It's completely penetrating. His love for us is so sure and so strong that it reaches to meet us where we are. Sometimes, we're at that well, with 5 partners under our belt and yet another that wasn't ours either. But in the midst of our self destruction and our running, He humbles Himself and meets us at the well. He meets you at the darkest place where you return to feed your emptiness. You know what He says when you get there? He says I've been waiting for you. You don't have to run anymore. I can give you assurance and purpose and the love you have so desperately been chasing. Dry your eyes. Trust me with this; trust me me with everything and I promise you, you will be fulfilled. You will be restored. Everything that you are searching for, you don't need it. You need me. I will repair, prepare and equip you for everything that's coming.
I know that Samaritan woman at the well was hurting. I know that because I am her. I'm a gentile. I'm a woman. Our stories, ours pasts are so parallel. I think of her, fixing her hair before her long walk to get some water. Looking at her reflection, not liking what she sees. Perhaps she thought about the desert heat, or the labor ahead. Maybe she thought about her neighbors eyeballing her, judging her with their sideways glances. I picture her putting on a brave face, avoiding the busy crowds of the morning so that she could avoid audible whispers. Today, people still whisper. But her behavior, my own promiscuous behavior is considered acceptable, even normal. People look the other way. But for her... I can only imagine. How confused she must have felt. How startled she must have been when Jesus began speaking to Her. But for Him to meet her there. He humbled Himself to speak with her. He spoke of her sin. He told her everything about herself (because, though she didn't want people to know how much she was hurting, this sin was everything to her) she couldn't pretend to Him and neither can I. There is no sin more painful in my own life, no doubt in her life as well, than that of sexual sin. You trust someone with your heart. Sometimes there are promises that are broken, sometimes it's a brief encounter, a poor judgment call, or an un-sober mind. Whatever the reason, sexual sin leaves you scarred. It leaves you hurt. It leaves you feeling used and dirty and unworthy. The enemy loves to use this feeling against you. How powerful that weapon is! But the more you feed that hurt, the more powerful it becomes. There comes a day when you let it go and mean it. You say to Jesus, the Son of God, the Messiah who loved you enough to reveal Himself to you... You say to Him 'enough!' Admit that you aren't strong enough to carry the weight of this hurt and you simply lay it at His feet. Remembering that he already paid the price for this sin that you committed.
You see, it's one thing to know you are saved and to say you are brand new. But it's another thing to feel brand knew; to feel clean. That is my prayer for this year. That's my next step. I'm going to lay this overwhelming hurt at my Jesus' feet and when He says I'm clean, when He says I am a new creation, I'm going to believe it. No longer will my heart ache. No longer will I long for someone to regret their actions toward me. I will let go. I will be clean. I will trust in Him. I will thank Him and praise Him everyday for blessing me with a loving, Christ following husband, and a beautiful son. I will not let Jesus' sacrifice for my broken heart be for nothing. I will appreciate His love for me. I will learn from this woman at the well. From the moment she met Jesus, her life was changed. Mine will be too.

Shoe Song

It's a simple dream.  I have always wanted to own a pair of black boots.  I didn't need "fancy" ones made of leather or suede.  I didn't care if they were slouchy or sleek, zipper or sweater, high-heeled or flat...  I just wanted one glorious pair of black boots that came up higher than my ankle.  

You may be wondering what has been stopping me.  I'm not an extremely large person, but after more than a decade in musical theatre, I have two very muscular calves.  This poses a problem. Time and time again I have tried to fit my unnecessarily large legs into boots.  And time and time again I get the boot on my foot, I start to zip or pull it up, when suddenly...

I stop.  I know there is no possible way it will close any higher.  Pair after pair of lovely, trendy cold weather appropriate beauties lose their luster in my eyes.  I put them down, dejected.  I muster the strength to stand after having my hopes shattered, yet again.  Until...

Last night...  My husband, my 3 month old son and I were shopping at Kohl's with some gift cards we had received for Christmas.  We called this our date night and our plan was to pick out an outfit for each other.  As always, Dylan found 28 shirts to choose from, each for $2.  Meanwhile, I was stuck with 1 dress for $40.  Not a fair trade off if you ask me.  As we made our way around the store from men's clothing to home goods, we came upon the shoe section.  My eye instantly went to the black boots, standing tall among the sea of leather.  I only saw one pair that I liked.  It had no superfluous buckles or ruffles and the heels weren't too high.  I sat down and my husband treated me like Cinderella as we attempted to try this boot on.  We made it to my mid calf before giving up.  Still a little hopeful, I saw another pair that was acceptable.  That too failed.  
We walked the aisles and came across a pair of black boots made for someone with "my problem."  I appreciate what the designers were trying to do, but I never envisioned my dream-boots to look as if the back half of them were cut from a wet suit.  That was it. I gave up.  As Silas began to whimper hungrily in my arms, we decided to leave the store.  
That's when I saw them.  One single pair of black boots sat atop a shelf in the small Candie's section.  I gave Dylan a look, too timid to be hopeful.  I sat quickly as he grabbed the right size.  I slipped my foot all the way in.  Then he pulled it slowly over my ankle; so far so good.  He pulled up, and up and - it didn't stop.  This boot successfully made the long journey to just below my knee.  His eyes locked on mine, a slight smile on his lips.  I stood up, seeking out a mirror.  Finding one, I decided instantly.  This is the legendary boot I have been searching for!  By this time, my son seemed to believe he was starving to death, so we needed to leave.  But when we walked out the door, we held my long desired dream in our hands.  I tested them out at church this morning and I was Not disappointed.  I know it's silly, but it has always been my secret hope.  Perhaps it's just the slight heel, but today, I walk a little taller.

Oblivious?

I like Brad Paisley. I liked him way back before I really even knew who he was... (there was a song called "who needs pictures") He is an very talented musician, song writer and performer. I respect him and the work that he does to hone his talents. On his cd 5th Gear there is a song called "Bigger Fish to Fry." The first time I listened to it, I was on a road trip to western NC. I listened to the words and I thought it was a bit sac-religious, but I had heard worse. I mean, on the same cd is the song "When We All Get to Heaven"~
But the more I heard the song, the more I got to thinking about the words...


"I said a bad word when I was a kid and momma said that I'd be sorry for the sin that I did. My daddy whooped me and the preacher said shame and I tried like h*ll to change. I cuss, I smoke, I laugh at dirty jokes. My minor vices, man I know them well. I've closed down bars. I've lusted in my heart. My exes think I ought to burn in h*ll... But the devil, he won't notice when I die. Ya, don't you figure he's got bigger fish to fry..."


Really think about those words. You know what I hear? I hear a major misconception. These lyrics paint the picture that you can do bad things, but you'll be ok- you'll still go to heaven because the devil won't even notice you're death. There are people worse than you... I think this song is a good summary of the way that a lot of people view life and the after life. 


Well, it most certainly is not up to the devil whether or not you go to hell. In the Old Testament, the Bible says that there is not one "good" person; Not even one. The book of James in the New Testament says that to be guilty of one sin is to be guilty of all sin. Kind of a complicated thought but to summarize: sinning makes you a sinner. Simple as that. And in the book of Romans, it says the "All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God." That means Everyone. We are already guilty of breaking God's law and deserving of death ("for the wages of sin is death") 


But back to the lyrics:
Yes, the sins we commit are bad - murder is not the same sin as lying, though both are sins. It is not a matter of who is the worst sinner. We have All done it. It doesn't matter who has a "bigger fish to fry" - it is not to be determined by that fallen angel and his followers. 
The Bible says that it is appointed for man once to die and after that comes the judgement. And who will be judging us? God of course! If He, this perfect, loving, just God of ours finds us guilty of even one sin, then by His perfect law, we are guilty of all and deserving of hell. Don't get me wrong, the devil will be there too; he takes great pleasure (his Only pleasure) in the misery of others. I'm reminded of the scene in The Shawshank Redemption (awesome film) - when Tim Robbins arrives at the prison and the prisoners are shouting and carrying on, eager for someone else to know the pain and misery they are undergoing. In Isaiah 14, it describes the kings of this earth; miserable and waiting for the "prince of babylon" to join in the nasty, horrifying, eternal, unquenchable thirst that is hell. 


How simple would that be though? "Well, Im a pretty good person. When I die, I'll go to heaven because God is good and loving and forgiving." He is. That is So true, but He is also just and perfect. And because of His perfect justice, we humans, we, His favorite of all His creations deserve eternal punishment for our sins. And Oh, how it breaks His heart! So He made a way- He gave us an option to choose Him and spend eternity in His presence, instead of apart from Him! He loved us so much that He sent His son to die, taking on the full weight of the sin of All of us. He took on our sin and died an unimaginably painful death. But on the third day, He rose, defeating death, for good! But it wasn't just that He did it. That was the huge first step. The next part is in our hands individually. We sinful, imperfect humans have to see our sin. We have to see our filthy, corrupt hearts and understand how it hurts and offends God. We have to recognize the incredible sacrifice that was offered on our behalf. Then accept Him. Thank Jesus for dying in your place and ask HIm to be the Lord of your short life. If you do, He will! You will no longer be a slave to your sins and inhibitions. Your life here on earth and in eternity after will be spent in His perfect, beautiful, glorious light. 

Jehovah Jireh

I'll never forget when my mom became a Christ follower. People had come to our door with pamphlets and asked her confusing questions. She was just so curious to know God on a more personal level. She was hungry for His word and they came with their watchtowers and filled her mind with question after question. Then came along our neighbor. She took the time to talk to mom. She answered her questions Biblically and invited her to Bible study. Mom began to introduce us, her children to the real personal relationship She was experiencing with Jesus...

I remember her driving us around town, running the many errands of the day. We (as children) had no say in the channel on the radio station. We would listen to what mom wanted to hear. Today, a familiar song from that time period popped into my head. It went like this:

"Jehovah Jireh, my Provider; His grace is sufficient for me

My God shall supply all my needs - according to His riches and glory.

My God shall supply all my needs...."

And isnt that true? I can tell you that I Know that it is. He is So faithful. He loves us so much (though it's still unclear to me why). The best way I understand it is... because He wants to! He's God and He can do what He wants and that's what He wants- to love us. 

And not just to love us, but to love us So Very Much that He sacrificed Himself - His precious, perfect life - that we might have the chance to say "yes!" to Him. 

Have you said yes to Him? 

Have you understood the fact that you, me, Every single person on this planet has broken His law, the 10 commandments? Do you understand that because we have sinned, have wronged God and we are doomed to an eternity apart from Him, in hell- a justified punishment for breaking His heart?

Is it clear to you that there is a way out of that eternal torment and separation from our loving Maker?

All you have to do is believe that Jesus was who He said He was. Thank Him for dying in your place so that you would have a choice. Trust Him and accept His gift to you. Have confidence that you dont have to have any fear of death. He defeated it! It's done. Take His gift to you and run with it. Live your life completely for Him. 

Jehovah Jireh- means provider. And it's true. His grace, His provision is sufficient for me. Whatever He wants to do, whatever He wishes to give me or relieve me of, I will trust it. I will trust His perfect will.

Trust

This has been a recurring theme for me.
God wants me to trust Him.
Why would I not listen?
What could I possibly gain from ignoring His voice of truth.

The thing is, I know that He loves me. I belong to Him. I gave Him my life.
But so many times, I find myself having to make difficult decisions. I am learning more and more everyday how to handle these...

It seems so simple and yet everyday I fight for the control. It's like I say, "Hey, God, I wanna give You my everything- but I wanna keep this..." Like a scene from The Jerk... "I dont need one other thing... I need this..."

It should be the easiest thing in the world to take a deep breath and humbly say to God, my Creator, my Savior, My Kinsman Redeemer... Lord, Dad, I love You more than anything and I trust you implicitly with my life.

La Guaderia- where I sit and work today.

Performing is ... sort of my favorite thing to do. You know that Samuel Adams commercial where there is a guy, holding a beer... He's standing outside of a factory and talking about how much he loves his job? He says something to the effect that he hasnt felt like he's worked a Day of his life for the past twenty something years. Wouldn't that be Nice? I want to feel that way- and at this point, that's sort of the Opposite of how I feel. I work a lot. But the nice thing about my job is that it provides me with 4 days off, every week. The not-so-nice thing is that I have to work the other three days. Ive said this in "real life" before; when I go into the hospital to work- it's like I lose a day. You think about it and it's really true. I go in before the sun rises (or if Im lucky, just as it starts to), and I leave, usually after it sets. It's like I 'lost' a day.


Let me get back to the subject. I think I know what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to sing and act and dance and perform... and teach other people to do it as well. Theatre is something that I truly Love.
I don't want to sound conceited. I wonder if I spelled that right... but there are many things that I do well. I know ofcourse that that has nothing to do with anything that I did or do. Ive been blessed with talents and one of them is a knack for picking things up along the way. Ironically, the things I like to do the best are the things that i Do the best. I enjoy being crafty and thinking... "you know what, I could make that." And then I just- do it.  And all of the things I can do make me happy. But the one that wins is the performing.

But how to pursue? hmm hmmmmmmm......